--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
omg, this is so looong! No need to read just needed to get it out.
I need to have a good cry but I keep stopping myself. The last time I was stuck like this I went to see our counselor and cried while he held my hand for the majority of the time. I thinking about the $$ I spent, time driving there and back just so I could be in a safe place to have my feelings.
Isaac's been having a lot of anger problems, internalizing things and that started 2 years ago when I was pregnant with Penelope. The mister and I went through a really rough patch and with the help of our midwife and the awesome counselor previously mentioned we have worked/working through our stuff.
We're doing all sorts of things to help Isaac through his pain and recently came across massage. It's worked wonders for DS. Since the massage started he did a total 180 and is the sweet loving boy he was before.
Until today. After our co-op class we went to Moody Gardens with a neighbor friend of DS/fellow co-oper. My 3 + 8 y/o boy + me for 5 hours. I know DS had a long day, was excited, tired towards the end and so hungry (he didn't want the lunch I had packed) and that explains the behaviour. Well, some of it.
Towards the end he was acting like a total shit - hitting me, calling me a stupid jackass, jumping in front of his friend's camera when he was trying to take pictures. I smarted up enough to just say 'let's go'.
Now, I feel like total shit. It was such an exhausting day.
Yesterday during DS' massage he started squirming around on the table and starts to wiggle off the head area and sliding to the chair that was right in front of the head area. I said his name as a "Get back on the table" but the massage guy said that DS is doing exactly what he needed to do.
As I was watching DS it reminded me of a child coming down the birth canal. And it struck me. That was the path DS took. He was anterior at the beginning of labor, went posterior and faced my left side, and then went back anterior 45 minutes before he was born. Here DS was doing the same exact thing he did while being born while he was getting a massage. It was freaky to witness.
Later last night I was on the phone with a momma friend and she said that watching that it probably brought up some stuff for me too (baaaaaaad birth).
It totally did and now I'm crying. The medwife was all 'push how you want, we'll catch where ever' and when I made those first grunting noises she told me to get on the table, put my legs in the stirrups and she and the nurse was yelling at me to push.
14 minutes later DS was born. no heart decel, no prolonged water breakage, nothing to make them so anxious for the baby to come RIGHT NOW. My first child and I pushed him out in 14 minutes.
I thought something was wrong because 2 days before she was so 'let your body take the lead' and now it's PUSH PUSH PUSH. I honestly thought the baby died and remember thinking how fucked up that was to be pushing out a dead baby.
God, I was shocked to see that the baby was alive when they put him on my stomach. I have never loved anything more in my life and this perfect being was staring in my eyes and pooping on my stomach. That proved he was brilliant because if he did that in utero then they would have wanted to take him away for observation.
They took him away anyway for CYA - 5 days of pure hell.
I love him so much and it hurts so bad to see him hurting and acting out like this. I know the massage yesterday brought up some things for him ( birth memory stuff) and it brought up things for me. gah.
While at Moody I was going through my bag of parenting tricks from childhood: hit him? nope, shame him? nope, shun him? nope, leave him? nope. I was left with nothing. We left at that point.
I told him in the car where the others couldn't hear, "You really hurt my feelings when you said those mean and hateful things to me and when you were hitting me. But I still love you so much. I know you are tired and hungry and have some yucky feelings that need to come out but Mommy doesn't like it when you are mean to her."
He didn't say much to me but he ate some rice cakes that he had in the car. He started coming out of his funk. By the time we were home he was sweet and loving again. I told him that my feelings were still hurt but I didn't love him any less.
While at Moody there was 2 young couples talking about those loud brats. haha, just you wait you childless couples. I was singing your tune as little as 4 years ago. For the record, crow tastes like shit.
__________________
No comments:
Post a Comment