no rubber neckers :)

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omg, this is so looong! No need to read just needed to get it out.

I need to have a good cry but I keep stopping myself. The last time I was stuck like this I went to see our counselor and cried while he held my hand for the majority of the time. I thinking about the $$ I spent, time driving there and back just so I could be in a safe place to have my feelings.

Isaac's been having a lot of anger problems, internalizing things and that started 2 years ago when I was pregnant with Penelope. The mister and I went through a really rough patch and with the help of our midwife and the awesome counselor previously mentioned we have worked/working through our stuff.

We're doing all sorts of things to help Isaac through his pain and recently came across massage. It's worked wonders for DS. Since the massage started he did a total 180 and is the sweet loving boy he was before.

Until today. After our co-op class we went to Moody Gardens with a neighbor friend of DS/fellow co-oper. My 3 + 8 y/o boy + me for 5 hours. I know DS had a long day, was excited, tired towards the end and so hungry (he didn't want the lunch I had packed) and that explains the behaviour. Well, some of it.

Towards the end he was acting like a total shit - hitting me, calling me a stupid jackass, jumping in front of his friend's camera when he was trying to take pictures. I smarted up enough to just say 'let's go'.

Now, I feel like total shit. It was such an exhausting day.

Yesterday during DS' massage he started squirming around on the table and starts to wiggle off the head area and sliding to the chair that was right in front of the head area. I said his name as a "Get back on the table" but the massage guy said that DS is doing exactly what he needed to do.

As I was watching DS it reminded me of a child coming down the birth canal. And it struck me. That was the path DS took. He was anterior at the beginning of labor, went posterior and faced my left side, and then went back anterior 45 minutes before he was born. Here DS was doing the same exact thing he did while being born while he was getting a massage. It was freaky to witness.

Later last night I was on the phone with a momma friend and she said that watching that it probably brought up some stuff for me too (baaaaaaad birth).

It totally did and now I'm crying. The medwife was all 'push how you want, we'll catch where ever' and when I made those first grunting noises she told me to get on the table, put my legs in the stirrups and she and the nurse was yelling at me to push.

14 minutes later DS was born. no heart decel, no prolonged water breakage, nothing to make them so anxious for the baby to come RIGHT NOW. My first child and I pushed him out in 14 minutes.

I thought something was wrong because 2 days before she was so 'let your body take the lead' and now it's PUSH PUSH PUSH. I honestly thought the baby died and remember thinking how fucked up that was to be pushing out a dead baby.

God, I was shocked to see that the baby was alive when they put him on my stomach. I have never loved anything more in my life and this perfect being was staring in my eyes and pooping on my stomach. That proved he was brilliant because if he did that in utero then they would have wanted to take him away for observation.

They took him away anyway for CYA - 5 days of pure hell.

I love him so much and it hurts so bad to see him hurting and acting out like this. I know the massage yesterday brought up some things for him ( birth memory stuff) and it brought up things for me. gah.

While at Moody I was going through my bag of parenting tricks from childhood: hit him? nope, shame him? nope, shun him? nope, leave him? nope. I was left with nothing. We left at that point.

I told him in the car where the others couldn't hear, "You really hurt my feelings when you said those mean and hateful things to me and when you were hitting me. But I still love you so much. I know you are tired and hungry and have some yucky feelings that need to come out but Mommy doesn't like it when you are mean to her."

He didn't say much to me but he ate some rice cakes that he had in the car. He started coming out of his funk. By the time we were home he was sweet and loving again. I told him that my feelings were still hurt but I didn't love him any less.

While at Moody there was 2 young couples talking about those loud brats. haha, just you wait you childless couples. I was singing your tune as little as 4 years ago. For the record, crow tastes like shit.
__________________

Jean shopping

Isaac, Penellie and I went shopping for jeans. I'm trying on several pairs of jeans and Isaac is going, 'nope', 'nuh-uh', 'looks bad'.

The last pair I tried on he said, "Mom, you look like an over-weight boy."

Really, where does this child come up with this. And he was right.

I put my pants back on and his face lit up, "Mommy, those pants look so good on you!" stinker.

Jean shopping =

moar funny pictures

The Mothership Has Landed

I love Led Zeppelin. That is the end all be all of music. John Bonham was my first musical crush with his crazy-assed drumming. Aggressive, powerful and crazy. Love the chink, chink, clinks, crash, smash and then the boom bangs. Yeah, as you can tell I have wicked mad music skills.

I've been playing their new release almost non-stop since buying the beautiful disk set. I am still holding out hope that I will get to see them play in December. I don't have tickets, lodging, airfare or a passport. I knew I should have become BFF with Pat Smear 12 years ago when I saw the Foo Fighters in that dingy nasty club. He could have gotten me passes. le sigh.

Jason is taking over his dad's spot behind the kit (cause dead men don't drum) and that is just awesome to me. How many people can say that their child respected and loved you so much that they followed in your footsteps? How many children actually know what their parents do? I want to live such a passionate life that my young ones will be drawn to what I do. Wow, Mom, is so excited and in love with what she does. I want to have that intensity in my life.

20 years from now my sweet little sugar dumps will be crossing their fingers and lighting candles in hopes that they will see the greatest rock band of all. And according to them that band would be Tenacious D.


Moby Dick

The Best Song in the World. . . Tribute

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcJwz7wu8_s
The kids totally are in love with this song. Isaac has 2 favorite parts "whip-crack went his whippit tail" (2:27) and they both share a special fondness for 2:35 on. And by special fondness I mean repeat the bit over and over and over. And when they aren't playing it on the computer they are singing it while playing. And if you are lucky then Isaac will rip off his shirt a la Jack Black.
:snort: be you angels?
Nay, we are but men.
ROCK
Ahhhh, ahhhhh, ahhh-ah-ah-ah-ah ohhh, whoa whoa, ohhh, whoa, whoa

The Bitter Homeschooler's Wish List

making the internet round

The Bitter Homeschooler's Wish List

From Secular Homeschooling Magazine, Issue #1

1 Please stop asking us if it's legal. If it is — and it is — it's insulting to imply that we're criminals. And if we were criminals, would we admit it?

2 Learn what the words "socialize" and "socialization" mean, and use the one you really mean instead of mixing them up the way you do now. Socializing means hanging out with other people for fun. Socialization means having acquired the skills necessary to do so successfully and pleasantly. If you're talking to me and my kids, that means that we do in fact go outside now and then to visit the other human beings on the planet, and you can safely assume that we've got a decent grasp of both concepts.

3 Quit interrupting my kid at her dance lesson, scout meeting, choir practice, baseball game, art class, field trip, park day, music class, 4H club, or soccer lesson to ask her if as a homeschooler she ever gets to socialize.

4 Don't assume that every homeschooler you meet is homeschooling for the same reasons and in the same way as that one homeschooler you know.

5 If that homeschooler you know is actually someone you saw on TV, either on the news or on a "reality" show, the above goes double.

6 Please stop telling us horror stories about the homeschoolers you know, know of, or think you might know who ruined their lives by homeschooling. You're probably the same little bluebird of happiness whose hobby is running up to pregnant women and inducing premature labor by telling them every ghastly birth story you've ever heard. We all hate you, so please go away.

7 We don't look horrified and start quizzing your kids when we hear they're in public school. Please stop drilling our children like potential oil fields to see if we're doing what you consider an adequate job of homeschooling.

8 Stop assuming all homeschoolers are religious.

9 Stop assuming that if we're religious, we must be homeschooling for religious reasons.

10 We didn't go through all the reading, learning, thinking, weighing of options, experimenting, and worrying that goes into homeschooling just to annoy you. Really. This was a deeply personal decision, tailored to the specifics of our family. Stop taking the bare fact of our being homeschoolers as either an affront or a judgment about your own educational decisions.

11 Please stop questioning my competency and demanding to see my credentials. I didn't have to complete a course in catering to successfully cook dinner for my family; I don't need a degree in teaching to educate my children. If spending at least twelve years in the kind of chew-it-up-and-spit-it-out educational facility we call public school left me with so little information in my memory banks that I can't teach the basics of an elementary education to my nearest and dearest, maybe there's a reason I'm so reluctant to send my child to school.

12 If my kid's only six and you ask me with a straight face how I can possibly teach him what he'd learn in school, please understand that you're calling me an idiot. Don't act shocked if I decide to respond in kind.

13 Stop assuming that because the word "home" is right there in "homeschool," we never leave the house. We're the ones who go to the amusement parks, museums, and zoos in the middle of the week and in the off-season and laugh at you because you have to go on weekends and holidays when it's crowded and icky.

14 Stop assuming that because the word "school" is right there in homeschool, we must sit around at a desk for six or eight hours every day, just like your kid does. Even if we're into the "school" side of education — and many of us prefer a more organic approach — we can burn through a lot of material a lot more efficiently, because we don't have to gear our lessons to the lowest common denominator.

15 Stop asking, "But what about the Prom?" Even if the idea that my kid might not be able to indulge in a night of over-hyped, over-priced revelry was enough to break my heart, plenty of kids who do go to school don't get to go to the Prom. For all you know, I'm one of them. I might still be bitter about it. So go be shallow somewhere else.

16 Don't ask my kid if she wouldn't rather go to school unless you don't mind if I ask your kid if he wouldn't rather stay home and get some sleep now and then.

17 Stop saying, "Oh, I could never homeschool!" Even if you think it's some kind of compliment, it sounds more like you're horrified. One of these days, I won't bother disagreeing with you any more.

18 If you can remember anything from chemistry or calculus class, you're allowed to ask how we'll teach these subjects to our kids. If you can't, thank you for the reassurance that we couldn't possibly do a worse job than your teachers did, and might even do a better one.

19 Stop asking about how hard it must be to be my child's teacher as well as her parent. I don't see much difference between bossing my kid around academically and bossing him around the way I do about everything else.

20 Stop saying that my kid is shy, outgoing, aggressive, anxious, quiet, boisterous, argumentative, pouty, fidgety, chatty, whiny, or loud because he's homeschooled. It's not fair that all the kids who go to school can be as annoying as they want to without being branded as representative of anything but childhood.

21 Quit assuming that my kid must be some kind of prodigy because she's homeschooled.

22 Quit assuming that I must be some kind of prodigy because I homeschool my kids.

23 Quit assuming that I must be some kind of saint because I homeschool my kids.

24 Stop talking about all the great childhood memories my kids won't get because they don't go to school, unless you want me to start asking about all the not-so-great childhood memories you have because you went to school.

25 Here's a thought: If you can't say something nice about homeschooling, shut up!

The Great Sippy Cup Mystery

Where are all the bleepin' sippy cups? We buy them and then they go and disappear on us. Those darn things need a lo-jack or chip implantation.

All the scary leeching plastic stories has left me seriously considering buying Kleen Kanteen. But almost $20 a bottle? And our cups go AWOL all the time? I'm not sure we are ready for KK responsibility.

fae's last nurse

This evening.

"What is it Pennette? You want Sister to nurse? Okay!"

"Wait, huh, who is nursing? Penelope?"

"No, me. You said."

"When did I say that?"

"You said I could nurse whenever I wanted to. This one last nurse."

"Alright, but you have to unlatch when Isaac is done with is song."

Isaac plays Guitar Hero, Tallulah nurses, Mom keeps Penelope away from Tallulah, Penelope tries to wrangle close to Tallou to pull her hair.

blah blah blah

I went to an oil blending class this afternoon and it was really fun. I got a lot of good and new to me information. We made 2 personal blends - a 'rescue remedy' (lavender and geranium) and a thyroid/adrenal blend (cedar wood & geranium).

I should have made a 'get off your arse' and 'anti-bitch' blend.

Tallulah is such a lively person. She is absolutely loving, caring, sweet, tenacious, giggly. LOUDand forgiving. And she frustrates the heck out of me. She is always on and that really tires me out. I'm a much more quieter person. Unless I am angry and then I am not quiet.

Tallulah told me this past week- "Mommy, when you get angry and yell like a monster and it makes us so very sad, then my heart yells to you, too." "What does your heart yell at me?" "It yells, 'I still love you Mommy even though you are a mean monster.'"

And a few weeks ago - "Mommy, you know when you get angry at us and sometimes you yell? Well, that's not really the right thing to do, because we are just kids. And we don't know any better. We are just learning. You have green eyes; can I poke them?"

She just turned 4! How is it she is so much more emotionally mature than I am? She just gets interpersonal dynamics* intuitively. While I am still trudging away having 2 year old tantrums.

But that bit about them being kids, not knowing any better and learning? That was freaky. I got a massage in July and the massage guy was awesome. He knew things about me that no one knew and he knew it from just the massage. He said that the body never forgets and one just needs to know how to speak the language.

Anyway, he said the same exact thing that Tallulah did. Exactly. Well, not the part about the eyes. Total de ja vu I got when Tallou said that to me.

Isaac walked in, "Mom, I just did the funniest thing in the world. I farted in Dad's face."

*not really the word I want but it'll have to do.